A COLLECTION OF QUICKIES  

              We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was a kid
              ...until she closed her curtains.

              He's what every woman wants - strong, sensitive...battery operated!

              There is no truth in the rumor that Roy Rogers's horse Trigger sued
              him for palomino-mony.

              A chap with a fetish walked into a sex shop and asked, "So how's the
              leather been lately?"

              The latest product on the market in the continuing war against white
              ants - it's called 'Arson'.

              Unfortunately, since I went on the wagon, the wagon went and got a
              liquor licence.

              Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

              Marriage - nature's way of stopping people fighting with strangers.

              OK, so God made Heaven and Earth. But what has he done recently?

              Graffiti: Dylexics of the world - untie!

              My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep. Which is more than I can
              say for the three passengers he had in his car at the time.

              ...He's also a master of the English language. He's the only bloke I
              know who can describe Pamela Anderson and Dolly Pardon without using
              his hands!

              I eat from the three major food groups: McDonald's, Hungry Jack's and
              Pizza Hut.

              When a girl says "No" she really means "Yes"; but not with you.

              To err is human...to really screw up something up takes a computer.

              Sure you can't take it with you. But you can stash it where no other
              bastard can find it.

              I can't wait to get really old - then I can actually pick my nose in
              public.

              I always keep a coathanger in the glove box - just in case I locked
              my keys in the car.

              Dumb? He's so dumb whenever he leaves his car he leaves the windows
              down so he won't lock himself out.

              My father never liked me. As a kid we'd play trains - he used to tie
              me to the tracks! ...And he to used to give me bath toys like
              electric toasters and hair dryers.

              When I was a teenager it took me a lot of time to work up the courage
              to ask the chemist for a packet of condoms. Now it takes me even
              longer to choose which color.

              Women! First they marry you for your money....then they divorce you
              for it!

              I told her I'd take her on a ocean cruise - she said she'd rather a
              Tom Cruise.

              My wife says my sex drive has taken up walking.

              I told my wife I want to die in bed.
              She said, "You did last night - three times!"

              He's just a bit kinky - only went through nursing school so he could
              wear white pantyhose.
            

              We were having such a romantic afternoon making love in the back of
              the Mercedes - then they kicked us out of the showroom.

              I'm gradually getting my body back into shape - at least twice a week
              I think about doing some exercise.

              Loser? He's such a loser he says he was forced to have sex in a hotel
              room against his will. Problem was he all alone.

              My wife had a sex change...Now it's Wednesday's and Saturday's
              instead of Tuesday's and Friday's.

              You know when your losing you're figure when you come home and find
              your husband wearing your bra and panties - and he looks better in
              them.

              Ugly? She's so ugly in the school play she played the hunchback of
              Notre Dame...without makeup.

              My mother-in-law told me exercise helps burn off the calories.
              I told her a flamethrower would be quicker.

              We have a self-cleaning refrigerator - she leaves stuff in there so
              long, it eventually crawls out under it's own steam.

              My psychiatrist says I'm manic-depressive - I have mixed feelings
              about that.

              Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mum's wise words -
              "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

              He was an unwanted child - his parents gave him plastic bags to play
              with.

              Enough is enough - unless of course you're a nymphomaniac!

              How do crazy people go through the forest?
                They take the psycho path.

              How do you get holy water?
                You boil the hell out of it.

              How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
                She says, "Daddy, I need a new apartment!"

              What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
                "Dam."

              What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

                Polaroids.

              What do prisoners use to call each other?
                Cell phones.

              What do you call Santa's helpers?
                Subordinate Clauses

              What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
                Quatro sinko.

              What do you get from a pampered cow?
                Spoiled milk.

              What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
                Frostbite.

              What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
                A pachydermatologist.

              What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
                A nervous wreck.

              Where do you find a no legged dog?
                Right where you left him!

              Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
                Because they have big fingers.

              What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
                Nacho Cheese.

              What do you get when an epileptic farmer falls in his lettuce patch?
                Seizure salad.

              A guy goes into a Chinese bar and says, "How 'bout a Stoly?"
                The bartender says, "Once upon a time . . . ."

              A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer and a mop."

              What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
                National Dyslexics Association.

              What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
                A stick.

              What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a
              tree would kill you?
                A pool table.

              What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
                Anyone can roast beef.

              Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
                They all have phones.

              Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
                They're trying to get away from the noise.

              What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
                Sanka.

              What is a zebra?
                26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

              Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking about retiring?
                He decided to stick it out for one more year.

              What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
                A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.

              What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
                They're hiring.

              What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal
              thermometer?
                The taste.